overclocked?
The last two months feel unreal when I try to replay them in order. January began quietly and almost normally, then everythting accelerated in ways I didn't expect.People started noticing my work, started receiving messages from strangers who somehow knew my work, and opportunities appeared faster than I could emotionally process them. On paper, it feels like noise layered over a constant pressure to keep moving, and moving, and moving...
Part of me is proud of what I have built and how far I have pushed myself. I know that the version of me from a year or even before than would have wnated this. Momentum, recognition and conversations with people who actually understand my world, but again, another part of me feels disoriented. These days I wake up thinking about what comes next before I have even understood what already happened. Every new event becomes another expectation to live up to, and I feel like I am sprinting without a clear finish line.
What makes it heavier is the constrast between external perception and internal reality. From the outside, it looks like I am handling everything well. People see the responses and trajectory; what they do not see is how scattered my thoughts feel sometimes, or how difficult it is to sit quietly without replaying conversations and outcomes in my head. Everything feels loud.
A new fear-demon has been lurking around recently, that if i slow down, everything might stop. That maybe all this attention is temporary and I need to prove I deserve it before it disappears. This thought pushes me forward, but it also drains me. I want to enjoy the process yet I keep measuring myself against an invisible standard I dont fully understand.
Do I regret these months? No, not at all. I realised that I am capable of more than I previously allowed myself to believe. At the same time, I am learning that growtht isn't only excitement; it is also uncertainity, fatigue and the strange loneliness that comes when your internal pace no longer matches the world around you.
Now I am standing between gratitude and exhaustion. I want to keep building but I also want to feel grounded again, to understand who I am underneath the momentum. Maybe this confession is less about finding answers and more about acknowledging that I am still learning how to hold both ambition and vulnerability at the same time.
The author is going through a phase transition. Lightyears away from the quiet, unseen, and detached life he had spent since childhood.